I Choose Love

Fear has many disguises. It is a shape-shifter. On any given day, it can appear in my life as

• rage
• disgust
• anxiety
• judgement
• anger
• self-loathing
• negativity
• despair
• grief
• hatred
• defensiveness

The list could go on and on. But these are the guises in which fear most appears in my life. I once read that all human emotions can be divided into two groups: fear, or love.

Think about it. When you have that knot of anxiety (for me, it's in my upper abdomen/solar plexus; in my husband, it's his teeth that hurt when he feels anxious), poke at it a bit. Like your tongue probing the gap left behind by a just-lost tooth, it's a bit morbid to explore pain; it hurts. But it's hard to stop yourself, too.

If you just breathe through it, like breathing through a contraction, you'll see that surface emotion beginning to unfurl, revealing the base of it all.

Fear.

I'm tired of feeling fearful. Fear of the future, fear of not having enough money, fear of being "stuck" here with my children all summer without a vehicle, fear of something bad happening to my loved ones, fear of being clung to and depended on, fear of failing, fear of succeeding, fear of being overweight for the rest of my life, fear of not fulfilling my potential, fear of clutter.

Did I say I'm tired of feeling fearful?

I'm EXHAUSTED. It takes a lot of energy. That fear needs feeding and daily nurturing. It needs negative self-talk. It needs the encouragement I give it when I give in to it.

I read the book I mentioned above (I can't for the life of me remember its title) when I was in the newest stages of love with my husband. We read it together, and marvelled at the simplicity of it:

Choose love.

Choose love.

There have been moments in my life as a wife and mother where I scoffed at the over-simplicity of that concept. Sure, I could choose love when I made enough money to cover our cheap rent, when I had time to exercise and meditate, when the future lay ahead of us like a treasure map. Like the bloom of first love, it faded into the mediocrity of every-day-living.

There's just so much more to fear now, with three little people depending upon me, with my heart walking outside my body in the form of my children.

But I've recently come to realise that all of the things I long for: a peaceful, clutter-free home, harmonious children, a passionate and connected relationship with my husband...are within my reach.

When I get angry at my children, it is easy to blame THEM: they're aggravating, they make too many messes, they are so DEMANDING!

When I am frustrated with my husband, it is easy to blame HIM: he's forgetful, he's self-centred, he doesn't earn enough money, he doesn't take care of his car.

I'm tired of all this blame. I'm remembering something I once knew:

It's not them. It's me.

I'm afraid. Mostly I'm afraid of not having control in my life.

But I've made a decision, because I've remembered in a deep place within my soul what once made perfect sense to me.

I have a choice.

Starting today, I choose love.

I choose love.

Simple Bank Tutorial!

I still do my banking at our little village bank where I opened my first account about 30 years ago. I know...small towns rock.

My children are beginning to show an interest in money. We've never done allowances, or money bribes (say, to get them to practice reading or make their beds); with the pervasive use of chip cards, they haven't had much experience with spending money. Jude has started pocketing spare change he finds scattered around the house. I take back the loonies and "toonies" (for you non-Canadian readers, we have a one-dollar coin in Canada with a picture of a loon on it (hence, loonie); our two-dollar coin has a polar bear on it, and is called a toonie...quaint, isn't it?) but leave him the rest.

When the two older children received cash from their aunt and uncle for their birthdays, I knew it was time to start teaching them about money. Although I realised it would be loads of fun for them to go to the nearest Walmart and blow it on some crappy toy, I also want them to see that saving money, or at least a portion of their "income", will allow their money to "grow"...into a larger, better-quality toy, for instance, or possibly a new pet!

All they needed was a place to save their money and to watch it grow...

A large mason jar makes a perfect "bank"...the growing stash of money is clearly visible, and some can be removed without smashing the whole container!

I used a knife to punch a slot into the top of the lid. You may want to cover the underside of the lid with felt, to cover any sharp edges. Or you may think of a better way to make a slot. But there has to be a slot! Dropping money into a bank and hearing it "plink!" is part of the fun.

You can personalise your bank with a stitched label, if you're so inclined. This was a spontaneous, quickie kind of craft, so I used letter stamps and acrylic paint to make my labels on scraps of cotton.

Using Aleene's Original Tacky Glue, I wrapped a band of colourful fabric around each jar (Jude's fabric is from one of his toddler shirts!) Use the Tacky Glue to stick the label on.

Voila! Done! I love a craft that is this cute, makes little mess, AND is done in about 10 minutes!

The kids are delighted to watch their money grow. Teaching your child about money is as important as teaching them to grow a garden (in my opinion!)...managing it, keeping track of it, planning on how to spend it, making it grow.

It's not about becoming millionaires.

It's about wanting my children to have a sense of the value of their money. It's about wanting them to learn to spend it wisely (rather than blow it on poor-quality, momentary pleasures). It's also about having a bit of fun now and then (by, say, spending 50 cents on nickel candies (I remember when they were called penny candies...)).

What lessons do you hope to teach your child about money? And how do you do it?

I Might Have Taken a Picture of...

If I had a camera, I might have photographed:

::my children's excitement as they examined the many critter tracks we saw in the woods this morning
::Jude up in the sturdy embrace of an old cedar tree, climbing higher than ever before
::the wonder on Violet's face as she reached up to hand Jude a "magic wand"
::rosy cheeks on this cold, sunny February day
::a fire built on the snow, using birch bark and apple branches scavenged from behind the smokehouse
::Violet helping me mark out the outlines of the Spring's raised beds, with her little rake
::Margot, in her last week of being one, crying in her red snowsuit

Yes, you read it right. If I had a camera. Last summer, our camera was left in a beach bag. Yes, I'm using the passive tense to describe that event so I don't assign blame on whoever should have taken it out of the bag so that the damp towels wouldn't destroy it. After a time with no camera, a dear friend told me I could use her point-and-shoot until I got a new one.

I can't afford a camera. It's kind of the last thing we can afford these days. We're always behind on some kind of bill (who isn't?) so it's hard to justify spending anything on a HOBBY.

On the evening that I was bringing my friend's camera to return it to her (as her good one was going into the shop for repairs), my children found it and dropped it on its lens. Cameras don't like that. I had a royal tantrum, worthy of any three-year-old. My husband walked into the house to find me bawling with frustration, humiliation, and yes, a healthy dose of self-pity. I have to hand it to myself: I DIDN'T strangle my kids in the aftermath, and didn't even make them feel badly about it, because really, they're just little kids. There's no sense in reprimanding kids when they break stuff that you probably should have stored more safely, right?

That said, I am itching, daily, to chronicle our lives (like the moment the other day when Margot, in a blue princess dress, had her first dance while standing on daddy's feet, or when she stood in the bathroom, naked, blow drying her hair with one hip jutted out), and trying to process my sadness when moments come and go that may never come again. I know there are much worse things I could be experiencing right now.

Just wanted to update you on why I'm so silent these days. Call it Technical Difficulties. Or just another addition to the book, "Sh*t My Kids Ruined"...but wait, I would have needed to take a picture of what they ruined, and...right. You can see my difficulty here. Sigh.

GratiTuesday

I know that by the time most of you read this, it will be Wednesday. But I'm writing it on Tuesday, and GratiWednesday just doesn't have the same ring to it.

So often I notice things for which I'm grateful. "They" say it's a good practice to write down a gratitude list every evening, just to count your blessings and to shed a light on how sweet life is. I'm never great at the regimentation of doing the same thing EVERY night, so I'm going to start with Tuesdays. Just because GratiTuesday is such a fun thing to say.
Here's my random, off-the-top-of-my-head list:

::finding eight eggs in the henhouse BEFORE they froze.
::another two inches on my socks!!
::kids in the early morning:

::the ornithologically comical loveliness of wild turkeys!
::pretending we're underwater or in outer space while driving in the van
::Jude's drawings of aliens shooting lasers out of their eyes
::the smell of my niece's neck when I kissed her there today
::my new journal and the sequel I've been waiting for...

::Jude's freckles (this somehow always makes my list)
::a little pile of kindling and bunched newspaper, left by my husband to ease starting the fire
::the hats worn by all the ladies in a 1950s photo of my Grandma at a Catholic Women's League convention!
::finding my bellydance groove again after all these years
::rosey cheeks + runny noses = kids who've been playing in the snow
::a naked toddler after her bath, all damp skin and wet curls
::giggling aloud in the bookstore at this:

Might have to add this to my birthday wish list!

::being able to catch up on some bills with an unexpected gift of cash

::planning what to bring on my upcoming retreat: a weekend of women being artistic together!

::my husband taking over the bedtime routine so I can blog/write/rest/read/knit

::Violet wearing my coin belt and shimmying around the house

::these incredibly whimsical socks from Vogue Knitting, Winter 2010/2011, designed by Lisa Whiting:

There. I'm overheating from the woodstove right now so I'll stop there. In your comment, give me 3 things you're grateful for today. Next week I'll try to get a linky Widgety thingy up so you can share your links! Maybe we can get this GratiTuesday list going on a weekly basis!

Looking out the barn door last winter.

It seems that every Christmas brings with it the same reflections: why do we go to so much trouble? Did we really need to decorate THIS much? And the baking! The day seems to come and go, and we're left with the realisation that the Grinch came to: Christmas comes all the same, whether you make yourself crazy with preparations or not. My parents always host my siblings, our spouses/partners, and children for Christmas dinner, and usually a sleepover of at least one night. Mom loves having us all there, but is usually exhausted by the time we leave.

We have talked for years about having a "simple" Christmas, and indeed, things have gotten much simpler over the years as we've curbed our gift-giving out of respect from all our financial situations, and for the fact that my parents now have 8 adult "children" (including spouses), and 6 grandchildren.

So, this past summer, I took the bull by the horns. I called a local couple who have a bed-and-breakfast, and booked it for the weekend of December 10-12. It seemed so far away at the time, but the weekend is almost upon us now! Tomorrow, my entire family will descend on this farm, to take up residence in a log cabin. We'll bring food, warm clothes for a sleigh ride, cards and board games, and our stellar conversational skills to keep us busy. Oh, and of course, a healthy supply of alcohol. We'll also bring a little spruce tree with us, and on Saturday I'll work with all the kids to create decorations for it. Doesn't it just call to mind "Little House in the Big Woods"?

As far as gifts go, we'll each bring 4 Christmas tree ornaments, one for each couple, to take home as a memento of our weekend together. I am reminded lately that time is fleeting, and that nothing remains the same. Seize each moment to cherish your family. Turn off the television/computer/video game/gadget that distracts you from looking at your loved ones' faces. Study their laughter, observe their hand gestures, appreciate what makes them unique and special. Embrace your family's special brand of dysfunction, and revel in its familiarity.

I am reminded of a traditional Ulster song I've loved and performed for going on twenty years now:

"Here's a health to your company, and one to my lass!

Let's drink and be merry all out of one glass,

Let's drink and be merry, all grief to refrain,

For we may or might never all meet here again."

I'll be back next week with photos. Enjoy your weekend!

Little Quilts

While the Handmade Holidays movement is appealing to me in terms of resisting consumerism, teaching my children the "real" meaning of Christmas, and showing off my crafty self, I'll admit that this year I'm handcrafting my children's gifts because I'm flat broke. There is really nothing left at the end of the month, with mortgage and childcare payments, and part-time pay. Often there's nothing left in the middle of the month, either. Things are about as bad, financially, as they've ever been. It's time to put snow-tires on the van but there's no money for that. Each month we wonder if we can hang on a bit longer (till I go back to full-time work) or if we should think about selling the homestead.

I don't think I would be alone in acknowledging the fact that choosing to live simply is based in large part on our income. It would be much easier to just go out and buy gifts, pyjamas, etc. for my kids for Christmas. And I know that a day might come where the little handmades I offer don't seem like "enough". But my mom mentioned the other day how lucky I am that my kids don't watch TV the way we did when we were kids. They really have no idea what's out there in terms of toys. When I asked them what they'd like Santa to bring, they were kind of stumped. So, anything new-to-them that's wrapped and under the tree will bring as big a thrill as some shinily-packaged, plastic-wrapped, store-bought gift.

I'm trying to kick the Facebook habit that has begun to absorb much of my "spare" time. Last night, instead of sitting there like a crackhead, chatting with friends and looking at other people's photos, I sat at the kitchen table and sewed these two quilt tops. We plan to repaint a small bunkbed, crib, and rocking chair for the girls, and present them with a little doll nursery, complete with colourful little quilts. The nine-patch is one of the easiest of quilt patterns: just cut out five squares of one colour, and four of another, and sew them together to create a checkerboard. Lots of these blocks will use up your scrap stash, and could turn into a quilt of any size you wish!

You can find a tutorial for log-cabin blocks here.

Every year I plan to send Christmas cards. "Plan" is the operative word, here. As a schoolteacher, December is particularly busy for me: with the normal decorating/baking/gift-making/etc. that goes into preparing my home, I also create gifts for my students, plan and rehearse our Christmas concert performance, transform the dramatic play centre into a Toy Shop, and so on. But with my rediscovered, Facebook-free time last night, I stitched this little patch, which I will glue onto cardstock. To keep things within reason, I've decided to send cards only to friends and family I see/talk to regularly, instead of to everyone in my address book. I know the ease with which I get overwhelmed. I love the word "peace"...and dream of really feeling it in my heart this holiday season.

What's Going on in Your World?

It's November 16. It's sunny and cool outside, with a huge downpour in the forecast...must remember to clear basement floor in anticipation of the inevitable inches of water that will accumulate there.

I'm at the local library and my kids are playing happily for perhaps the first time today. Love the smell of this place...cleaning products and books...lots of them. I'm surrounded! Alternative medicine behind me, DVDs to my left, Automechanics and Farming to my right. The comfy easy chair by the fireplace is taken (boo!) so I'm sitting on a hard plastic chair.

I still haven't settled on what to have for dinner. We're completely and utterly broke (you know, when the mortgage comes out Friday, you don't get paid for another week, the needle on the fuel gauge is flirting with the "E", and you're out of milk, fruit, and bread?). Time to visit a financial advisor. What to do? Remortgage house to pay off all other little loans, then pay one big, predictable payment each month? Sell the homestead, move to the Arctic (the pay is great! isolation...not so much), and start anew? Continue living month to month in complete denial that being broke is actually the norm? So maybe just spaghetti for dinner, since I have all I need for this standby.

I'm excited that the library has Season 5 of Grey's Anatomy on DVD. I foresee an evening of finishing up my Advent crafts (exchange is on Thursday!), eating popcorn, and ogling Dr. Owen Hunt. Yes, he's my favourite. Dr. Sloan is just too...perfect, and slutty. And Dr. Shepherd? I can't forget him in "Can't Buy Me Love"...that, and he looks like a bad kisser (I don't give a damn how nice his hair is)!

My chickens are moulting. They look so pathetic and ugly! The number of eggs we're getting has dropped dramatically. Robin has renovated the duck barn to house both the ducks and the hens to save on heat in the winter...hopefully the number of bodies in there will keep them warm enough, in addition to a couple of heat lamps! Now we're trying to figure out how to round up the ducks, which are decidedly feral, aside from their hilarious sneak attacks on the hens' food. Ducks act subtle by waddling in an awkward herd, quacking in absolute terror. This happens daily.

That's today's update. I know your life isn't as thrilling as mine.

Thanks to the world wide web for the photos!

Stranded

Smiling through it all (photo by Violet)

You know that question, "If you were stranded on a desert island, who would you want to be with/what would you want to have with you?" Well, I've essentially been "stranded" for a few days here on the Knitty Gritty Homestead, and I'm astounded at the room it's given me to think about a few things that don't like to be thought about.

Things are financially tight for us right now. That's one of those things my mind does not like to explore too deeply. I've lived happily in a state of denial for quite some time. I made the decision to work part-time for a few years, after 5 years of on-again/off-again working (between babies). We knew this would be a challenge, as I'm the "main breadwinner" (that is such an archaic term, I know...), but we are optimists at heart, or perhaps we're just really unrealistic.

On the weekend, we accidentally left my camera in the beach bag with some damp towels. Now it won't work. This is another one of those things that does not want to be thought about, as I'd been dreaming of a better camera, but working determinedly to be grateful for the camera I DO have until I could afford a new one. The implications of having NO camera are many, but mostly, I feel the loss of freedom in what I post in this space. I certainly have enough photos in my files to patch something together, but the spontaneity is a bit strained. There have been so many moments where I've risen from my spot to fetch the camera, only to realise that that precious speck of time will only live in my memory.

In addition to this, my husband had a conference to go to in Ottawa for three days. He let me know on the morning that he was leaving that he wanted to take our laptop...our only computer. This sends me into a mild panic, as I live on a farm with 3 small children. I know I can SURVIVE without the computer, and that blogging is not ESSENTIAL to my well-being. But I still had to talk myself down as he drove down the laneway...I was ready to paint my hand red and stamp it on a soccer ball just to have some adult company ("What was that, Wilson?").

About ten minutes later, he called to say that his gas tank was leaking badly and that he'd have to come back to take the VAN to the conference. Say what? This control-freak had had about as much as she can handle, and it wasn't even 7 a.m. I burst into tears and called my sister; hubby arrived, took the carseats out of the van, and drove away again, not only with my connection to the wider world, but also my means of transportation.

The car has had gas tank issues for a couple of months, but we couldn't afford to get it fixed. Now we HAVE to get it fixed. I'm going to be stranded until next Tuesday (without a vehicle). My parents are going to help me get the kids to swimming lessons, and I imagine I'll spend the time cleaning the house and playing with the kids.


To top the morning off, I had NO groceries. I am pretty creative, but I had no bread, milk, butter, fruit, or yogurt. I had planned on going to the grocery store as soon as I got the kids dressed. I am a chronically independent person, and do NOT like to ask for help. So, it was in tears that I called my mom to see if she'd come out so I could use her car to get groceries.

So, the desert island is the Knitty Gritty Homestead. The people I would choose to be with me are here...my three little poppets, eyes open and ready for the next adventure (although maybe Gerard Butler might like to stop by)...the objects I'd bring with me are here as well...lots of wool and a set of knitting needles! I could knit a hammock, a yurt, clothing, a net to trap coconuts...you get the picture. I like this space to be a place of joy and humour. But my blog description also includes the word "chaos", and that's the way things feel right now. I embrace the chaos as a part of life, as vital as joy and humour (though a bit more uncomfortable!)

Please bear with me as I try to create posts using old pictures! I'm staying positive that we'll figure out how to get the car fixed AND replace my camera. I'm thinking of starting a secondary blog...I'll keep you posted as the idea hatches into reality.

Until then, do enter my marvellous giveaway! You only have Thursday left, as the winner will be chosen randomly early Friday morning (EST)! Best of luck!