Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I Choose Love

Fear has many disguises. It is a shape-shifter. On any given day, it can appear in my life as
  • rage
  • disgust
  • anxiety
  • judgement
  • anger
  • self-loathing
  • negativity
  • despair
  • grief
  • hatred
  • defensiveness
The list could go on and on. But these are the guises in which fear most appears in my life. I once read that all human emotions can be divided into two groups: fear, or love.

Think about it. When you have that knot of anxiety (for me, it's in my upper abdomen/solar plexus; in my husband, it's his teeth that hurt when he feels anxious), poke at it a bit. Like your tongue probing the gap left behind by a just-lost tooth, it's a bit morbid to explore pain; it hurts. But it's hard to stop yourself, too.

If you just breathe through it, like breathing through a contraction, you'll see that surface emotion beginning to unfurl, revealing the base of it all.

Fear.

I'm tired of feeling fearful. Fear of the future, fear of not having enough money, fear of being "stuck" here with my children all summer without a vehicle, fear of something bad happening to my loved ones, fear of being clung to and depended on, fear of failing, fear of succeeding, fear of being overweight for the rest of my life, fear of not fulfilling my potential, fear of clutter.

Did I say I'm tired of feeling fearful?

I'm EXHAUSTED. It takes a lot of energy. That fear needs feeding and daily nurturing. It needs negative self-talk. It needs the encouragement I give it when I give in to it.

I read the book I mentioned above (I can't for the life of me remember its title) when I was in the newest stages of love with my husband. We read it together, and marvelled at the simplicity of it:

Choose love.
Choose love.

There have been moments in my life as a wife and mother where I scoffed at the over-simplicity of that concept. Sure, I could choose love when I made enough money to cover our cheap rent, when I had time to exercise and meditate, when the future lay ahead of us like a treasure map. Like the bloom of first love, it faded into the mediocrity of every-day-living.

There's just so much more to fear now, with three little people depending upon me, with my heart walking outside my body in the form of my children.

But I've recently come to realise that all of the things I long for: a peaceful, clutter-free home, harmonious children, a passionate and connected relationship with my husband...are within my reach.

When I get angry at my children, it is easy to blame THEM: they're aggravating, they make too many messes, they are so DEMANDING!

When I am frustrated with my husband, it is easy to blame HIM: he's forgetful, he's self-centred, he doesn't earn enough money, he doesn't take care of his car.

I'm tired of all this blame. I'm remembering something I once knew:

It's not them. It's me.

I'm afraid. Mostly I'm afraid of not having control in my life.


But I've made a decision, because I've remembered in a deep place within my soul what once made perfect sense to me.

I have a choice.

Starting today, I choose love.

I choose love.

12 comments:

  1. holy crapoly. didn't you just say it just right just there? did someone wire you my exact thoughts and force you by gunpoint to write them down? thank you so very much for spending the energy on writing this post (and i'm glad you're not gone, gone from blogging) - because naming fear sends it out into the light. fear doesn't fare too well in light. thank you thank you.

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  2. Thank you for voicing all those thoughts that I have been burying deep down inside -in fear of facing them directly of course. What a powerful post.

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  3. It seems like such a simple concept, to choose love and it really is...
    Thank you for this wonderful post, I choose LOVE too!
    Thank you so much for visiting my blog and leaving your wonderful message about Kye's flu, he is looking much better today:)
    Warmly
    Linda

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  4. BRILLIANT!!!!
    Amen.
    The concept is so simple and yet what we fail to notice is that fear (and all of its fearful thoughts) can complicate things so much that we really and truly believe that we don't have the choice to "choose" love because well, we are broken beyond repair. NOT TRUE!!
    This is a huge revelation for you and I am jumping with joy and clapping my hands in celebration. This is how we grow.
    "Blooming is tricky business. Ask any flower."
    Bloom away, sister! The sun is shining on you to do so. Expect road blocks along the way because "fear" doesn't like to be challenged and will rev up. Just stand up to it and your power will return like a miracle. And there will be peace.

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  5. Loved this post Stephanie, because it rings true to me, and it rings to many, many, many out there. For me, fear triggers anxiety and anxiety is something I feel every day, sometimes lightly, sometimes in a way that paralyzes me and makes me unable to reach out and grab my potential, as you so eloquently say. I will choose love, like you. I think exploring my fears (mostly based around not having control and that applied to all aspects of my life) has also made me explore spirituality and letting go, trying to trust in the higher powers that be. It's hard work, but take it day by day, knowing that sometimes it will be easy to choose love, and other times it won't be. But if you choose to love yourself first, then compassion will guide you in your journey. Thanks Steph and all the best.

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  6. Before a child, and a mortgage, and a million other monthly bills, I used to meditate. I remember one time sitting through one of those periods of "rage." My body was literally shaking on the pillow, but I just kept sitting there and breathing. And suddenly I felt a rush of coolness come over my body, and all at once I was still...and I remember thinking "that's it?" All I had to do to get rid of that rage/fear/sadness was just sit with it? So simple, and yet so hard to do!!! I feel so much empathy with you right now, Stephanie, and applaud you in your choice of love :o)

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  7. Very well written. Sounds like you are on the verge of being in a very good place :)

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  8. I agree with everyone above...how is it that such a simple concept is sometimes not the easiest to maintain?

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  9. This is my first comment in nearly a year of following your blog. I just never took the time to sign up. So may I start out by saying that: as always - such an enlightening post Stephanie...my heart and soul are singing your praises at the moment, and same goes for those "comment"ers/kindred spirits...Thanks for the reminder to listen to my inner self when it's tugging at me, to hear - "choose love".
    p.s. - may the book be "The Heart Of The Soul - Emotional Awareness" written by Gary Zukav? (it is fantastic, as is his "The Seat Of The Soul")
    Wishing you a LOVE-ly day, Andrea

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  10. Thank you ALL for your beautiful words...it's always so lovely to share hard truths about myself, only to find that I'm really not as alone as I think I am. Who knows...maybe the crabby store clerk is struggling with fear. As is the unhelpful customer service person on the phone. and on and on...let's send out big embraces to all of us who are trying to choose love in a world that inspires so much fear.

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