Frazzled Moms Unite!

I missed out on the whole "Let's Get Real" phenomenon (unmade-up self portraits by blogging moms, intending to show their real selves). My camera broke right around then, and I never thought about it again.

The other day, though, I caught a glimpse of myself passing this mirror in our hallway. My shirt was dirty, my hair was askew, I had no makeup on, and I realised I needed to take a picture of the most unphotographed person in this house: me.

I haven't quite been feeling "myself" lately. I'm spread too thin, do too much, have too many responsibilities and not enough time. I know you can all sympathize with this feeling, that in spite of my many talents and gifts, I'm somehow not enough: to keep my house clean enough, to keep my kids happy enough, to craft/blog/perform/create enough. This is not the first time I have wondered about the intents of the original Women's Movement, and if our foremothers could have foreseen the fruits of their labours.

Because now, in addition to giving birth, breastfeeding, raising and homeschooling our children, we also work outside the home. We feel badly when we have to leave our kids in another's care to go to work, and feel guilty when we actually enjoy going to work because at least we get some feedback, adult conversation, and MONEY for our time! And then of course, there's always that nagging feeling of...do I REALLY enjoy this childrearing thing? The intent was that women should have the choice to work outside the home, but the reality, the economy has shifted so that most women NEED to work just to pay the bills. And we're supposed to take care of our kids, too.

Oh, I'm in a funk, alright. I was thinking about those pre-women's movement women, the ones who felt completely fulfilled by child-rearing and housekeeping, and were good at it. I know not all women enjoyed it, and many bucked against the expectations of the age. But I like to simplify it, to imagine that woman putting on makeup and a clean apron, setting a beautiful meat-and-veg meal on a tablecloth, having a martini prepared for her hard working hubby, combing her children's hair down, and greeting the man of the house with a smile...

I tried it. On this same frazzled day, I did it: dampened and re-pinned my hair, touched up my face, and practised a smile for when my husband got home.

Yes, it looks pasted on. Because it is. I had a really hard day, a day of screaming, fighting, bickering, arguing, and finally, me putting them out on the porch because I needed a break from it all. Lately, I've been fantasizing about filling my tank with gas, and hitting the road, destination unknown. Of course, in my fantasy, I'm NOT driving a minivan carpeted with cracker pieces and juice boxes, and there is not a carseat to be seen. I'll toot the horn as I drive by your house...or if you want me to pick you up, just hang a white flag of surrender on your mailbox.

Until then, I'm adding two more tasks to my list: seek out happiness and balance, and get more sleep!