I just wrote, then deleted a whole post about my happy weekend.
Because I wasn't writing about what I need to write about, but am avoiding.
Jude starts school next week. Grade One. Full time.
I'm having a hard time with this. Don't get me wrong. The school is small, safe, supportive. His teacher is young, enthusiastic, and sweet. He knows the children in his class. I'll be there on alternate days.
I trust his ability to cope and thrive with this change in his life.
But that didn't stop me from waking up at four in the morning, unable to fall back to sleep.
It's kind of putting me into a panic, actually. Thinking about him sitting inside through the beautiful fall weather. Thinking about the past six years with him, the closure of the chapter of his life where HOME was where he was most of all.
It all just feels...wrong. Call it my intuition. A child's place is at home, with his or her mother. I know this.
I also know that children all across the world go to school. Parents all around the world deal with it. It becomes part of the routine, for children to be awakened early, rushed through breakfast, dropped off, picked up...then starting it all over again the next morning.
I need to have a big cry. Because this feels like grief. It feels like a forcible ending to his childhood. While I look forward to my days at home with just the girls, I know I'll keenly feel his absence every day: his drawings, his funny stories, his requests for his favourite songs. And I know that gradually, he'll forget what it was like to be here "most of the time".
I'm not in the habit of ignoring my gut. Robin and I have agreed that if he does not seem to be thriving, we'll make arrangements any way we can to home school him. I'm trying to reassure myself that he will be fine, that he'll love school and look forward to seeing his friends each day. I'm trying to be positive (and am putting on a brave face to reassure Jude that it's going to be great). But I kind of feel like my heart is breaking a bit.
Any words of comfort or advice out there?